In the Beginning

And the Lord said unto the people, "Let there be light" and there was light...

Then dinosaurs. Electricity. Air travel. Froot Loops. Britney Spears.

And that brings us roughly to February 2006 and the story of Jack's birth. Let's take a walk through those THREE memorable days, shall we? You'll notice when people type things in CAPITAL LETTERS, it is like they are screaming that word. And I am screaming THREE. Because it is way more than ONE.

Saturday, February 18

7:02AM: Oh, look. Still no baby. I'm five days overdue and have spent the last several days walking and walking and walking because walking helps bring on labour, don't you know? Yes, that plan worked extremely well, didn't it?

12:43PM: Here's your dad and I. Walking. Some more. Enough with the walking.

2:10PM: Desperation sets in as your induction date of Sunday is rapidly approaching. Let's see, what revolting thing can I drink to make you come out? Hmmm...I think I'll try castor oil. Mixed with orange juice. Ummmm, ummmm. Just like slurping up the oil slicks running through the gutters after a storm.

3:22PM: Nothing.

4:56PM: Nothing.

5:14PM: Sensing a trend yet?

6:34PM: I DO NOT feel good. It appears the castor oil has begun to kick in to help me get rid of my constipation. Oh, but I forgot to mention that I didn't have constipation. No. None at all. I am TRYING TO HAVE A BABY, holy Hannah. I don't need to poop. Apparently when I took the oil, I forgot to say the magic phrase, "No poopie, no poopie, no poopie."

6:56PM: I now have to admit to your dad that I think I have just given myself an award-winning case of the trots. Yes, just 12 hours before I'm supposed to be induced to deliver a baby. Oh, goody goody gum drops. A baby and extreme pooping all at the same time. I can't tell you how excited I am.

7:15PM: Hurray! The poop pains are getting worse and making me nauseous! I pray to the poop gods to just bring on the poop and let me be done with this entire debacle.

7:25PM: Your dad returns home with take out lasagna. I have never wanted to eat anything less than I do right at this moment. It looks like the innards of a cow's intestine. And smells about the same.

7:43PM: I retreat to the bathroom to calm my riled bowels with a tepid bath. Tepid. Translation: sucky. Before I was pregnant, I had baths that would melt steel. Now I have "tepid" baths.

7:55PM: Hmmm. Something's not quite right.

7:58PM: I call for your dad and explain that perhaps I may have been mistaken. I think I don't have to poop. I think I'm having a baby.

7:59PM: Stop myself from fainting by breathing in the vapours of the barf-inducing lasagna.

8:03PM: Call Kathy, our doula. Try to discern with her whether I'm in need of a good poop or having a baby. Yes, aren't you simply thrilled I could not tell the difference between you and poop? I thought so.

8:55PM: Kathy arrives to check in on us and wish us a good night before she'll be back in the morning when I'll likely be in real labour.

Sunday, February 19

7:04AM: Offer Kathy more herbal tea during this hour 12 of real labour. At this point, pooping seemed like the better option.

12:13PM: We check into the Rockyview Hospital since we are positive you are just mere hours away from arriving. Mere. Hours. Ummm, yeah.

4:43PM: Here we are, mere hours from when we checked in. Oh, look. No baby.

8:33PM: Mommy's getting a little tired of this gig. Alright, you've had your fun. Now get your itty bitty baby ass out here.

10:10PM: No seriously, get it out here RIGHT NOW.

10:43PM: I wait patiently for my Labouring Woman of the Year Award. I'm hoping Jon Stewart is hosting. I love that guy. In lieu of timely presentation of my award, I opt for an epidural. Yes, you may have noticed that I did not have an epidural until this point. Until this point 27 hours after starting labour. Until this point 39 hours after having no sleep. Do you see that both those numbers are double digits? DOUBLE DIGITS, child.

Monday, February 20

4:18AM: Oh, look. No baby. And not a whole lot of indications that said baby is planning to arrive anytime soon. Perhaps you had missed the memo. Of course you had. What with that whole no vision, no ability to read thing you got going on.

5:13AM: You enter this world and our lives are forever changed in that very moment. I have never seen a more beautiful face than the one your dad showed me as he lifted you to my eyes that day. And most appropriately, you've been born on Family Day. We are forever family.

I love you, Jack-o'-Lantern.

Your Momma