What a pleasure and a terrible tragedy to meet you, Two. You are charming, frightening, adorable, alarming, and frustrating all at once. How hard that must be for you. To wear so many faces at once, and sometimes, simultaneously. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Two, but many parents dread you. Nay, scratch that. Fear you more than dentists, roller coasters, and liver all rolled into one single grossly construed monstrosity. You parasitically cling to our once compliant and cooperative offspring and cause them to shoot fire and regurgitated puppy tails from their mouths and eyes. It's wholly unpleasant to witness, Two.
You have this magical ability to cause these toddler hosts to gush with love for their mommas one moment, and then spin hysterically on the grocery store floor the next because we won't let them carry individual eggs in their bare hands up and down the aisles. Why do you do this, Two? What terrible thing did your own parents do to you that you must now make our children crazy in the brain?
We saw what you did to our little boy at his second birthday party, and don't think we'll forgive THAT anytime soon. You took a normally charming and cute little boy and made him lose his ever-loving mind over the arrival of presents in our house.
"PRESSSSEEEEENNNNTTTTSSSS," you made him scream overtop the party talk of twelve guests who voluntarily chose to participate in a birthday party for a TWO-YEAR OLD complete with other TWO-YEAR OLDS. And sugary food.
"PRESSSSEENNNNNTTTTTSSSS," he hissed as the horns of Beelzebub himself sprouted through his fairy-blond hair.
Two, this was completely unnecessary. Please stop that immediately.
Afterwards, the horns retreated slightly and he was able to enjoy his fire truck cake (or, "fire ket truck" as he has taken to saying), the sugar high, and sugar crash that followed approximately seven minutes later. I would try to blame the sugar crash on you as well, Two, but I'm aware your closest ally, Red Food Dye, may have played a larger role in that than we anticipated.
We thank you for coming, Two, but please don't feel you have to stay for long. We understand you may have others you need to be seeing. Far be it from us to hog you all to ourselves. We'd be happy to see Three make an early entrance and take your place, assuming Three is a bit more empathetic, cautious, and open to conversation on why it isn't appropriate for toddlers to lay down in the middle of busy parking lots simply because they want to enter the car through the trunk instead of the door. If Three can't offer that, then perhaps you'd like to encourage your friends Five, Six or Seven to come by next year instead.
Thanks so much for the memories, Two.
All my love,
Jack's Momma
